The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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