im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I am available for nakedness
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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