I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
