I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
