When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Drunk walkin through police station. America
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
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