I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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