I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
