I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
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well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
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NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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