i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
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Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
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I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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