Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
