That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
