how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
