I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
