we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
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There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
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i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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