Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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