I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
