my mouth tastes like poor choices
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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