all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm at about main and main street
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
where are my eyebrows?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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