K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
