I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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