threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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