She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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