Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
