My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
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