omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
