Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
