Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
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just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
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I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be