if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.