perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?