I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
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You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.