Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.