Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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