Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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