I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
