God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
