was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
