eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
