it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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