she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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