Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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