I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
