I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
