If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
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You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
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I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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