You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
