dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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