Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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