Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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