As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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