someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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