we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
