I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
