My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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