I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
