The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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