"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
