The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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