I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
