she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
