Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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