I'm gonna have a badass scar
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
