Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
