: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
