Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
